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Healthy Living

You’re Never Done Being a Parent

By Sheryl Kraft

Created: 01/26/2010
Last Updated: 02/02/2010

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Well, here I am, an empty-nester. Again. Sons move out, sons move back in. Then out again.

Between two kids, one trailing the other by 18 months, things seem to happen in tandem. Not much lag time between life's stages and changes. When I had them so close together - an event that caught me by surprise - it was tough for a while. Two in diapers, two in cribs, two needy, dependent babies. I'll never forget the words from one of my wise friends, who only had one at the time (her second would come when the first was five. I was envious that she actually had time to breathe). "You'll see how great it is as they get older. You'll be able to do things all together; same movies, same activities. No generation gap."

At the time, of course, I heard her but couldn't really believe her. But now, I'll say it. Cindy: you were so right.

So, my boys have filed out in short order, one right behind the other, and I'm feeling alternately happy and sad. It's freeing, in a way, to have some solitude. No longer does my son burst through the door after his trying day at work, interrupting my work, insisting he needs to talk. And so what if hubby and I want to run out to dinner at the last minute. We don't have to feel guilty about leaving him home while we're out enjoying ourselves. (I know, I know. He's been away at college and he's used to being without us, but somehow it's different. When they come home - no matter how old they are - they're still, well, children.) What's there to be sad about? I'll just say that sometimes I miss having them around; just feeling, smelling and hearing their presence. It's that simple.

So, let me get to the point I started to make before I became all mushy. My point is that even though both my sons live on their own, they still have a lot to learn and I still have a lot to teach them. They're out food shopping for the first time, no longer confident that when they open their refrigerator, food will somehow magically appear.

My younger son was so proud the other day when he told me of his latest shopping trip to Trader Joe's. "Mom, you'd be so proud of me; I bought healthy food. Multigrain bread and organic canned soups!" Uh, oh, I thought. I didn't want to make him feel like he was incapable of taking care of himself. But I couldn't keep it to myself. So, with all the decorum I could muster, I said that most people don't realize that these things are not the healthiest choices. I told him that "multigrain" means nothing more than a variety of grains in the bread. I went on to explain that these grains have to be "whole" grains to be healthy grains. There could be 30 different grains in the bread, I said, but if they're refined and processed, they're no healthier than plain old white bread. If the label says enriched, bleached, unbleached, semolina, durum or rice, put it back. Instead, look for words like "100% whole grain," or "100% whole wheat." 

He looked at me like I was the smartest mom on the planet.

And canned  soups, I said, have so much sodium in them (not to mention BPA in the lining of the cans.) Watch out, I told him, since the majority of our sodium – something like 77 percent (!) – comes from eating prepared or processed foods. Even though you may not be shaking the salt on, the food itself may already be loaded with it. Most health organizations recommend healthy adults should stay within the range of 1,5000 and 2,400 milligrams a day. And even if a food doesn’t taste particularly salty, don’t be fooled – a 4-inch oat-bran bagel, I told him, has 451 milligrams of sodium. Although not everyone is sensitive to the effects of sodium you can’t tell if you are, so play it safe. (He looked perplexed, and I suddenly realized that he really does resemble me. His look was akin to how my face scrunches up when he is trying to explain a complicated computer application to me.)

I told him to look for major brands that say reduced-sodium or "heart-healthy." Also, I reminded him, remember to eat foods that are naturally lower in sodium, like fresh fruits and vegetables, fresh (not processed) meats, frozen chicken that has not been injected with solution containing sodium.

The kid may be done with college. But he has some heavy homework to do.

Comments

Great post. My oldest is going to be 18 in a couple months, so we're looking at the same kinds of changes happening. Kids that age are sort of adults, but still so young in so many ways. It's nice that your son listens to your advice! My husband made noise about turning our daughter's room into an office for himself. I said not so fast - we've got to be prepared for her to move in and out for a while, just as you've experienced.

Sheryl, I enjoyed this post...made me think of my own parents. I'm a grown-up now with my own house and husband and kid. It's been years since I lived at home and yet I find myself turning to my Mom for insight more than ever (although I'm usually not blatant about it). I trust her. She's smart and somehow she did it all -- marriage, work, kids, home -- well. Now that I'm making the attempt, I want to know how she did it.

Hi Polly, Thanks for reading and commenting. Sometimes it takes getting older and being on our own to realize the wisdom of our parents, doesn't it? And you're so fortunate to have your mother to turn to!

MarthaandMe,
Good advice you gave your husband.
As tempting as it is to take back your space, yes, your daughter will likely be back and forth for some time!

My eldest turns 40 this year. He still calls to ask for recipes that we created together when he was a child. Now he's teaching them to his daughter ....

Alexandra,
How wonderful that the recipes you cooked together get handed down through the generations.

Heck, my mom's still on speed dial and is still the only person who can make me feel like everything's going to be ok. Let's hear it for the moms!

AlmostSlowfood,

You're both so lucky to have that special connection.

You're talking about a special connection - so relate-able.

Meredith,
A very special connection..on so many levels.

I can't imagine what it will be like when I get to that stage of parenting. Good to know that my kids will still turn to me for advice (and maybe even listen).

MyKids,

Yes, it's the listening part that's especially rewarding...makes you feel like you did something right!

I can't imagine what it will be like to have an empty nest (I'm in the throes of taking care of a newborn right now) but I imagine, like you, I'll be both happy and sad. The idea of a clean house for more than six minutes tops really appeals to me but I KNOW I'll miss the chaos and frenzy of daily life with wee ones!

Jennifer,
It was hard for me to imagine, too, when they were so little. Then, I woke up one morning, and they were big!

It's amazing, isn't it? The urge to help them never ceases. What's wonderful to me, too, is when *they* give *us* advice -- and it's worth taking.

Great point, Ruth! I often turn to my sons for their take on things and lo and behold, it's usually great advice.

bittersweet, sheryl, and something every mom can relate to.

plus, as a person obsessed with kids (yes, even big ones) eating well, i loved that you passed on a little grocery shopping wisdom with your son.

Sarah,
thanks for your comments. Every little bit of wisdom helps, right?

""Mom, you'd be so proud of me; I bought healthy food."

I love that! I wish I'd had a better relationship with my mom. I would have liked to have a person to call who would appreciate this.

Baby steps. I'm sure that multigrain bread and canned soup is a lot healthier than the diet of pizza, beer/soda, and hot wings that so many bachelors eat. :) He'll learn.

True, Susan. I'm sure those are the things he's not making a point of telling me that he's eating!

Aw. As my sons fast approach their launch date, I find this especially touching. It's true - prepare them as much as we can, and there's still more to do.

Yes, Kris, always something to do...but I do find that our conversations about those things are so much more fun. Finally, there's less resistance and more listening. Maybe our kids finally realize we know what we're talking about, after all.

Yea, college is easy compared to living the daily life. Great post!

great post.my son left home a few months back.i can identify with what i read on this post.looking forward to enriching experiences.

Sheryl,
You are lucky to have your sons around a little longer. And they are lucky to have such a sweet, funny and smart Moma!

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