Every night I faced a battle of extreme temperatures. After hot flashes at bedtime, I’d sweat through my T-shirts all night, waking up freezing as though I’d been swimming in a glacial lake instead of sleeping.
After months of this nightly hot-cold cycle, I figured out a system. I kept a pile of clean T-shirts next to the bed. After I sweat through one, I’d reach out and grab the next one from the top of the pile and change, throwing the discarded shirt in a sopping wet pile on the floor. After a little while, I didn’t even fully wake up: I’d feel the freeze, change shirts and fall right back to sleep. It was perfect — for me.
It was less perfect for my husband. He woke up fully every time I bounced around the bed changing my shirt and couldn’t fall asleep again for hours. It was when he finally abandoned our bed to sleep in his office that I realized he was suffering from my menopause too.
Night sweats and hot flashes, the vasomotor symptoms (VMS) of menopause, are linked to decreasing estrogen levels. Declining estrogen levels during menopause cause an imbalance of a brain chemical called neurokinin B (NKB) in the temperature control center of the brain. This chemical imbalance can lead to hot flashes and night sweats. Women may experience VMS for years, sometimes even longer than a decade.
Watch: Ways to Cope with Common Menopause Symptoms >>
Vasomotor symptoms of menopause are undertreated
VMS are common, but undertreated. In fact, in one small study, nearly 9 out of 10 women reported daily VMS that happened up to five times on average, but only 1 in 3 of these women got treatment for their symptoms. Two out of three women said their symptoms lasted up to five years, with some women even saying they had VMS for more than a decade. The women also reported that VMS disrupted sleep and declines in their physical, emotional and mental well-being.
Sheryl Kingsberg, Ph.D., chief of the Division of Behavioral Medicine at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and a member of the HealthyWomen Women’s Health Advisory Council, said her research (which was sponsored by Astellas) has shown moderate-to-severe VMS disrupts relationships as well.
In the study Kingsberg co-authored, nearly 4 out of 10 women and more than 4 out of 10 of their partners reported a drop in relationship satisfaction. While a little under half of women reported that VMS drove the dip in satisfaction, more than half of their partners believed VMS was the cause. Only a very small percentage of women and their partners reported that VMS had no influence on declining relationship satisfaction.Menopause symptoms can lead to reduced intimacy
The study also found that more than 9 out of 10 of women said VMS reduced their sexual desire, with half calling the impact “significant.” VMS can also cause less blood to be directed to the vagina and clitoris during sex, which plays a role in sexual response. “[Reduction in sexual response] is very common … oftentimes [women] think it’s just a regular sign of aging,” said Kingsberg. “It’s not. It’s menopause.”
Genitourinary symptoms of menopause like vaginal dryness, burning, itching and pain during intercourse can also cause sex to become painful, which can also lead to reduced sexual desire.
Reduced sex drive can significantly impact emotional and physical intimacy. “Women may start to avoid sexual activity, resulting in partners feeling rejected, or not wanting to hurt their partner if sex has become painful,” said Kingsberg. This can lead couples to stop touching. Even the smallest gesture, like a hug or kiss, can be interpreted as making a move toward sex, which can trigger the fear of physical pain or rejection.
Kingsberg advised that struggling couples could benefit from learning new communication skills for talking about sex and intimacy and slowly reintegrating physical touch back into the relationship.
Open communication can shut down relationship problems
To support a partner going through menopause, “communication is key,” Kingsberg said. “We found in our study that women with VMS and their partners both overestimated their own communication ability while finding the other lacking. That shows us there’s a communication gap.”
Kingsberg and her colleagues asked how partners perceived their own efforts to support women with VMS. Partners reported being very supportive, saying they helped women with VMS with acts of love that included turning down the temperature in the bedroom, listening and being empathetic. However, women with VMS told Kingsberg and her colleagues a different story. “Partners overperceived the support they were giving.”
Kingsberg said partners need to speak openly about their challenges and needs. “There’s a conspiracy of silence around the issues that come up during menopause,” Kingsberg said. “Partners don’t want to embarrass women with VMS or be critical.”
As it turns out, a conveniently placed T-shirt stack and a daybed in the office shouldn’t be used as treatment options or viewed as long-term solutions. “Women and their partners shouldn’t suffer alone, or even together.,” said Kingsberg. “We’ve found women are more likely to pursue treatment for their symptoms with encouragement from their partners.” By communicating openly and actively encouraging solution-seeking with a trusted medical professional — and resisting the urge to cobble together separate solutions — partners can be a resource for the temperature-challenged women they love.
Resources
This educational resource was created with support from Astellas, a HealthyWomen Corporate Advisory Council member.
- 10 Things the Men in Your Life Need to Know About Menopause ›
- Sex After 50 ›
- 9 Ways Menopause Can Give Your Sex Drive a Boost ›
- Good Sex with Emily Jamea: Sex During Menopause Can Be Hot, Hot, Hot ›
- How to Have the Best Sex of Your Life After Menopause ›
