How to Navigate Family Dysfunction During the Holidays

First, set boundaries by drawing the line on what you will and won’t talk about or engage in with family at holiday gatherings.

Have some one-liners in your back pocket if a conversation veers in a direction you don’t want to be a part of,” said Golee Abrishami, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. “You can say something like, “Is there something else we can talk about?” or “I think I’ve said all I’ve had to say about this.”

Keep in mind that a boundary, though potentially perceived as a punishment by the family member who oversteps, is about you, not them. You’re not being mean by giving yourself space.

“Setting a boundary is you protecting your energy instead of trying to manage the other person,” Teisha Levi, LMFT, founder and CEO, Mental Wellness with Teisha. “You can do this lovingly and possibly even humorously.”

Peacekeeping, or the attempt thereof, can feel rewarding, but it comes at a cost and can empower dysfunctional family dynamics.

“You’re proud of yourself for peacemaking but also resentful that you suppressed your own feelings, or felt the burden of managing the family drama,” Abrishami said. “That resentment can make you more irritable or easily frustrated with yourself and everyone around you.”

If you tend to play the role of peacekeeper in your dysfunctional family, it’s worth a moment to consider why this burden is on your shoulders.

“Maybe someone appointed you the role of peacekeeper,” Levi said. “That's important to assess too. Are you always the one fixing things? Identify the role you might play. Once you identify, you can then set boundaries.”

Even with boundaries in place, you may still feel a sense of overwhelm in the presence of dysfunctional families during the holidays. If it all starts to feel like too much, or you’re worried that it might, take a breather – literally.

“Do deep breathing or step outside for fresh air,” Levi said, adding that she does breathwork in between clients to stay grounded and in the moment.

Navigating family dysfunction is not only about how to get around the ugly; it’s about getting to the beautiful. Think about someone you will see at the holiday gathering who you would actually like to have a conversation with and go for it.

“Most people say to just keep the conversation light. But how many of us get drained by boring surface-level conversations?,” Abrishami said. “Choose one family member or friend you trust and try to have one deeper conversation. Talk about something beyond the weather. Ask them about a hobby of theirs or something they are engaged in that's interesting to them.”

The point here is to lean into curiosity and to use a holiday gathering as an opportunity for meaningful relationship building — even if it’s only with one other person.

Finally, keep in mind that not only are you not the only one heading into a dysfunctional family setting this holiday season, you’re actually among the vast majority. Everyone, no matter their background, can relate to you in this situation.

“We are all human, we all have differences of opinions, our different experiences and traumas,” Levi said. “With different lived experiences comes the possibility of dysfunction happening.”

There’s no excuse for prejudice, judgment or hate, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting out a family gathering if it makes you feel unsafe. If, however, you do feel that you can show up to the holiday occasion without sacrificing your mental health, then you should do just that — and with an open, optimistic mind.

“If you can, give yourself permission to enjoy the holidays with family, even if it's only for a small moment,” Levi said. “We each deserve to be happy and to live in peace — even if it means creating it for yourself.”