Being Outed Was Traumatic, But It Pushed Me To Accept — and Embrace — My Sexuality

June is Pride Month.

As told to Nicole Audrey Spector

Growing up, I never really thought much about what it meant to be gay, bisexual or trans. I was raised in a Catholic household, and topics of sexuality and gender identity didn’t come up one way or another. I was at some point made aware that my cousin was gay, but she was much older, and we weren’t close.

I went to Catholic school and was taught that marriage was something that should exist only between a man and a woman.

I never thought of myself as anything other than straight. In my early twenties, I was in an on-again, off-again four-year relationship with my live-in boyfriend, Alex*. Things between us were often rocky, largely because he would often cheat on me. We’d break up, but then I would end up taking him back.

I was working for a shuttle service at the Orlando airport with, Marilyn*, a woman I was certain was gay. She’d come by and talk to me often. There was always a bit of flirtation on her end, and that didn’t bother me. In fact, I liked it.

I started to look forward to Marilyn’s little visits. And it wasn’t just because she was nice, had a swag about her or fun. It was because there was a spark between us. We had real chemistry, which was completely confusing. I was a straight woman who had always been in straight relationships and never felt anything romantic or sexual about a woman.

So how could I be getting butterflies over a woman? What on earth was going on with me? Honestly, I didn’t even really want to know. I just wanted to keep everything simple, safe and familiar. I didn’t let myself think too deeply out loud about Marilyn or my growing feelings for her. Certainly, I didn’t let myself talk about any of it with anyone.

2024

Despite being confused and sometimes even stressed about what these new feelings meant, I didn’t stop hanging out with Marilyn. In fact, things escalated. I had to take a trip down to Miami and rather than asking Alex to accompany me on the long drive, I asked Marilyn. She said yes. I didn’t tell Alex or anybody else.

It was that night in Miami that we kissed for the first time. It was unlike any other kiss I’d had. It was softer and yet more intense. From the moment I felt her lips on mine I was hooked. Kissing her was like a drug.

Marilyn and I began spending as much time as we could together. We continued to keep it a secret. She was out but had good reason for being hush-hush. The reason? Her girlfriend. Yeah, it was all pretty messy.

A month or so after my first kiss with Marilyn, Alex caught on because I was always talking to and hanging out late at work with Marilyn. He stopped by the airport once during my shift without giving me a heads-up. Marilyn and I weren’t making out or anything, but I guess it was still obvious that we were definitely more than friends.

I’d always forgiven Alex when he’d strayed, understanding that he really did feel bad about what he’d done. But when I came to him crying and begging for forgiveness the night he found out about me, he had no compassion. Only rage. In the middle of the night, he threw a fit — stormed around the house and ripped it apart while yelling at me. He kicked me out onto the street. As I headed to my car, where I would end up spending the rest of the night, he called my mother. He knew she was one of the closest people to me.

“Your daughter has been cheating on me with a woman,” Alex shouted into the phone as he was kicking me out the house. “She’s going to be homeless!”

I couldn’t believe how completely out of control everything had gotten. I couldn’t believe this person I’d once loved and given so much of myself to, was now outing me — in a most threatening way — to my mother. I was hurt and afraid.

Vanessa and her family, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)

When I called my mom later, she was upset, but not unsupportive. She has always wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. On the phone, she helped walk me through my feelings and assured me she’d always be supportive. It meant everything to me.

It took a while for everything in my life to calm down and clear up. For a couple months, I lived with my best friend until I was able to get back on my feet. She couldn’t, at that time, fully understand my being in love with a woman. She seemed not totally accepting of Marilyn but supported my decision to be with her as best as she knew how.

Once I got my own place, Marilyn, by then broken up with her partner, moved in with me. But there was just too much drama there, and we ended up parting ways three years later.

I moved to California and it was there that I really opened up about being bisexual. I made a point of exploring my sexuality and becoming part of the LGBTQ+ community. I got involved with organizing Pride events for the company I worked for. Through that experience, I discovered the power and purpose of advocacy work.

I’ve met so many people who are struggling to navigate being LGBTQ+ because they’ve been shunned by their family or by society at large. I never stop to think about how lucky I’ve been to have a supportive family. But I must say, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing.

Some family members judged my sister’s decision to appoint me as my niece and nephew’s godmother in church. Additionally, I didn’t tell my dad I was bisexual until a year after my mother found out because I thought he’d be sad or disappointed. I came out to him when I was going through some drama on my birthday with Marilyn’s family because I was physically attacked by Marilyn’s mother that day. He went dead quiet, then said, “Why do you continue to find yourself around these types of people?”

Vanessa and her partner, Melissa, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)

That hurt me so much. But over time, he’s come around. He’s always kind to my fiancée, Melissa, and makes an effort to be funny and interested in her life.

It’s been roughly 20 years since that day Alex threw me out of the home we shared. It’s not pleasant to look back on how I was outed and kicked out of my home, but I no longer feel devastated about it. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m grateful he outed me, but I am grateful that the experience led to me finally being myself and living a shame-free life that makes me proud.

I didn’t know how stressful my secret was for me until I was forced to let it go. Once it was gone, life — and love — opened up for me.

I’ve been with Melissa for 15 years, and she’s shown me what true unconditional love is. I’m so much stronger now than I was back then. My strength enables me to be there for others who are trying to find their safe space in the world and to be a voice for people who don’t have one. We don’t all have the privilege of speaking up. For that reason, I’ll never be silent again.

*Alex and Marilyn are pseudonyms.

Have your own Real Women, Real Stories you want to share? Let us know.

Our Real Women, Real Stories are the authentic experiences of real-life women. The views, opinions and experiences shared in these stories are not endorsed by HealthyWomen and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of HealthyWomen.