Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, best-selling author and keynote speaker. You can also find her here, sharing her latest thoughts about sex.
If you've ever wondered whether you're having "enough" sex, you're not alone.
As a couples and sex therapist, one of the most common questions I hear is: How often should we be having sex? People want to feel normal, and having a “normal range” to stay within seems like a reasonable request. We have normal ranges for other metrics of health — blood pressure, cholesterol, steps per day — so why should sex be different?
After years of working with couples, I've found that focusing on frequency is often the wrong place to start.
Married for 14 years with two school-aged children, Melissa and David came to therapy worried that their sex life had dwindled. Between demanding jobs, soccer practices and aging parents, they were having sex about twice a month.
Melissa felt guilty, citing an old Oprah episode about a couple who committed to having sex every day for a year claiming it had brought them closer than anything before.
“That kind of frequency feels impossible,” she fretted. “Some days I barely have time for lunch. I love David very much — and I love having sex with him — but I honestly don’t know how to work it in more than we currently do.”
Despite feeling pleasure and connection when they did find time to make love, David worried their declining frequency meant they were drifting apart. He adored Melissa, and sex was the ultimate expression of love to him. “I’ve told Mel I don’t expect sex daily. That is ridiculous, but a couple of times per week would be nice. It would really help if you could just tell us what’s average.”
What neither realized was that they both described their sexual experiences as deeply satisfying. They felt connected, desired and emotionally close. Their concern wasn't coming from dissatisfaction; it was coming from comparison. And as the adage goes, comparison is the thief of joy.
Is more sex better?
For decades, researchers have examined the relationship between sexual frequency and happiness. The findings are surprisingly consistent.
One landmark study of more than 30,000 adults found that, while couples who had sex more frequently tended to report greater well-being, the benefits appeared to level off at about once a week. Having sex more often than that was not associated with additional increases in happiness. In other words, more and more and more isn't necessarily better.
Another study made headlines when researchers asked some couples to intentionally double the amount of sex they were having. The result? They didn't become happier. In fact, some participants reported enjoying sex less, possibly because it began to feel like another item on the to-do list rather than a spontaneous expression of connection.
This is an important distinction. Sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction are related, but they aren't the same thing.
Why we get so fixated on the number
Humans love metrics, but when it comes to sex, holding ourselves or our partner to a specific range can backfire.
When couples become preoccupied with frequency, sex can start to feel like a performance metric rather than an opportunity for intimacy. One partner may agree to sex out of obligation. The other is likely to sense this, which results in a disappointing experience. The focus shifts from pleasure and connection to keeping up with an imaginary standard.
I've worked with couples who are having sex three times a week who still feel dissatisfied and disconnected as well as couples who feel deeply bonded and fulfilled with sex twice a month.
Sexual frequency ebbs and flows over the course of a long-term relationship. It peaks in the honeymoon phase, tends to decline about a year in, dips significantly after having children, then moves in a wave-like pattern for a long time. According to research, younger married couples have sex more frequently than older married couples. Refer to this table for a breakdown of frequency and age.
When Melissa and David reflected back, they realized they had been having sex about 3 – 4 times per month before their parents began experiencing health issues. We only have so many hours in the day and so much bandwidth. Sleep and rest are more foundational needs than sex, and if either feels compromised or if the nervous system is chronically overactivated due to stress, it is likely that sex will suffer.
The recipe for sexual satisfaction
When researchers study sexual satisfaction, frequency is only one piece of the puzzle.
Quality sex often includes emotional connection, responsiveness, communication, pleasure and a sense of being desired. It involves feeling present rather than distracted and feeling accepted rather than judged. For some couples, quality means a passionate encounter that lasts an hour. For others, it may be a brief but meaningful moment of intimacy before falling asleep.
The healthiest couples tend to ask a different question than How often are we having sex? Instead, they ask, Are we feeling connected, desired and satisfied?
What’s a normal amount of sex for you?
One of the most liberating moments in therapy is when couples realize they don't have to meet anyone else's standard.
Melissa and David eventually stopped comparing themselves to statistics and started paying attention to their own experience. Instead of trying to increase frequency, they focused on creating more opportunities for affection, flirting and emotional connection throughout the week.
Ironically, once the pressure disappeared, their sexual relationship improved. Sometimes they had sex more often. Sometimes they didn't. But they stopped interpreting every fluctuation as a sign that something was wrong.
Research supports this perspective. Relationship satisfaction appears to be a key factor linking sex and overall well-being. It's not simply the act itself that matters but what the experience represents within the relationship.
Are you having enough sex?
If you're wondering whether you're having enough sex, start by asking a different question: Are we happy with our sex life? If the answer is yes, there's no reason to worry about how often other couples are having sex. If the answer is no, you can consider frequency, but only as one of several pieces of the sexual satisfaction puzzle. Increasing frequency probably isn't the sole solution. A more productive approach is to explore what's getting in the way of desire, pleasure or connection.
The healthiest sex life isn't defined by a number. It's defined by two people who feel connected, fulfilled and free to create a sexual relationship that works for them.
