Good Sex with Emily Jamea: How to Share a Sexual Fantasy with Your Partner

Sexual fantasies are about imagination

I explained that fantasies reveal less about what we want to do and more about how we want to feel. I told her to keep that in mind as we explored the nuance of sharing it with her husband.

A recent study that explored the choice to disclose sexual fantasies had some interesting findings.

While 92% of respondents had disclosed a fantasy, 55% harbored a secret fantasy they had yet to share. There were a variety of reasons participants gave for not sharing the fantasy. This included concern that sharing it would threaten the relationship bond, seeing sharing as futile since the fantasy was about something they’d never want to try in real life and concern that the nature of the fantasy was too different from how their partner typically perceives them.

People who chose to share, on the other hand, reported doing so because the process of sharing it was exciting and added to arousal. Also, people in long-term relationships shared because they felt their partner deserved to know, and they felt secure enough to reveal the fantasy to their partner.

There were a couple of factors that most strongly determined the outcome of sharing a fantasy. The researchers found that partners tended to have a positive or neutral response if the couple had strong communication skills and if they were used to at least some sexual experimentation.

I asked Camilla how her relationship and experiences stacked against the research findings. She said she and her husband had used toys here and there, but they’d never experimented much beyond that. She also had concern that he’d see her fantasy as a part of her psyche that was in total contrast to their shared feminist ideology.

“That’s probably part of the appeal,” I told her. “We often eroticize things that are in stark contrast to our normal everyday persona. Let’s come back to the feeling that the fantasy evokes,” I told her. “You said that you and your husband have a solid foundation and can usually communicate quite effectively. I wonder if there’s a way to explore the feeling without revealing every detail of the fantasy. What feelings does the fantasy evoke in you?”

“It’s a couple of things,” she told me. “I get turned on by a man feeling overwhelmed with desire. Also, the idea of being bound with no choice to surrender to the experience is appealing to me. My head is so flooded with to-dos that sometimes I struggle to focus during sex. It’s a turn-on to feel totally free of responsibility.”

“That makes a lot of sense to me,” I said. “Here are my tips for what to share and how.”

1. Don’t bring anything up immediately before, during or after sex. It’s never a good idea to take someone off guard when it comes to trying new things in bed. Give them time to process.
   
2. Open with the following, “There is something I want to share with you. I feel a little bit awkward, but I trust you won’t judge me.” People always ask how to avoid the feeling of awkwardness, but most of the time, there is no way around — only through. Also, if you tell your partner you know they won’t judge you, they’ll want to live up to the standard you’ve set.
   
3. Try a scaffolded approach. Rather than revealing every detail of your fantasy, start by expressing your longing for surrender. Assess how they respond to that before choosing to reveal more.
   
4. When sharing any sexual desire, it’s crucial to include the why. Don’t say you want them to tie you up without also explaining why it’s appealing to you. In this case, it’s to help you get out of your head.
   
5. While I always encourage open dialogue when possible, sometimes the idea of sharing a fantasy is just too intimidating. There are wonderful apps available that will allow you to complete separate sexual preference questionnaires. The app then exchanges only the items on which you align.

Our conversations helped Camilla realize that fantasy was natural. She also learned to view her fantasy as information — a clue to what her erotic energy needed to thrive. When she eventually shared a softened version with her husband, she was surprised by his response. He didn’t judge her at all. He smiled and said, “I think I could help with that.” She felt bolder, and he felt trusted. They both described feeling closer than they had in years.

Fantasies are part of being human. They’re a creative expression of our inner world, and when shared with care, they can become a bridge to deeper intimacy. As I often tell my clients, it’s not about revealing your “weird” side; it’s about revealing your whole self. And that — not the fantasy itself — is what turns good sex into something truly extraordinary.