Sex While Trying to Conceive
We've been trying to get pregnant for months now, but there is no passion left. How do we start enjoying sex again?
Nov 23, 2011
Nov 30, 2020
Ask the Expert
Lee Shulman, MD, FACOG, FACMG
Lee P. Shulman MD is a Professor in Obstetrics and Gynecology in the Division of Clinical Genetics at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago, Illinois. He also serves as the Medical Director of Insight Medical Genetics and Reproductive Genetics Innovations. Dr. Shulman is an Adjunct Professor in the Department of Pharmaceutical Science at the University of Illinois at Chicago College of Pharmacy. A Fellow of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and a Founding Fellow of the American College of Medical Genetics, Dr. Shulman is a member of numerous regional, national and international organizations that pertain to the health and care of women and families. His work has been recognized regionally and nationally; most recently, he was again included in the list of “Top Doctors” in Chicago (2007-22) and America (2005-22). Dr. Shulman served as Chair of the Board of Trustees of the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals from 2006-2008, is a Past President of the Central Association of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and a Past Chair of the Fetoscopy Working Group. He currently serves as the Treasurer of the International Society for Prenatal Diagnosis. A frequent contributor to the peer-reviewed and informational literature with over 200 peer-reviewed articles and 60 book chapters, Dr. Shulman’s major research interests are in reproductive and cancer genetics, contraception and reproductive medicine, menopause, women’s healthcare advocacy and botanical interventions in women’s health.
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Q:
We've been trying to get pregnant for months now, but there is no passion left. How do we start enjoying sex again?
A:
Having a purpose for sex beyond pleasure can definitely take the fun out of it! You didn't say if you're having fertility problems, but I'll assume that is part of the issue since you say you've been trying for "months." Generally, it is recommended that you seek specialty care for fertility issues if you have not gotten pregnant after a year of trying.
Infertility, whether or not you are undergoing treatment for it, places tremendous stress on a couple. The longer you go without conceiving, particularly once you and/or your partner begin treatment, the greater the stress. One study of 200 infertile couples found slightly more than half experienced a decline in sexual satisfaction after diagnosis.
I have several suggestions for you. First, take a break from trying to get pregnant. Take two or three months off—that won't make much difference in the long run, and it could do wonders for your marriage. During that time, schedule a vacation. If money is tight, the "vacation" could be to a friend's weekend house or even just a couple of days in a local hotel—anything to get into a new environment with no reminders of fertility issues. Or, have a "staycation"—take time off, stay at home and simply enjoy the time alone with your partner.
Next, try to bring some spontaneity to your sex life. That could mean having sex in a different room, at different times of the day or in different positions. Do not plan sex! Planning is invariably a major part of the problem. In fact, another option is to stop having sex at all for a week or more. Instead, return to the days of dating and kissing. But don't let anything lead to intercourse. You'll be amazed at how turned on you feel after a couple of make-out sessions.
Good luck!
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