You are not alone: Coping with loss during the holidays

The winter holidays bring a rush of activity and emotions. For those who find themselves in mourning, these emotions often feel like a rough roller coaster ride, and the flurry of events can be overwhelming. Whether you recently experienced a loss—or the holidays bring up feelings from a past loss—it's time to take good care of yourself.

David Fireman, LCSW, executive director of the Center for Grief Recovery in Chicago (www.griefcounselor.org), says the experience of grieving affects people in five distinctive ways: emotionally, cognitively, physically, socially and spiritually. Learning to recognize these elements of grief—and accepting them as normal and manageable—can help ease the pain this season.

Five components of grief
People in mourning encounter a variety of emotions. At first it's common to experience shock or numbness—a feeling of "unreality," Fireman says. Soon after come feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, fearfulness and even guilt.

Fireman says cognitive effects can include slow or disorganized thinking, concentration difficulties, preoccupation and even altered perceptions. Physical effects include fatigue, sleep disturbances, nausea, hyperactivity (or a drastic reduction in activity) and greater susceptibility to illness.

Socially, people in mourning sometimes withdraw or may seem unaware of the needs of others. Work productivity decreases, and they lose interest in things that usually bring pleasure, such as hobbies, entertaining or sex. Family relationships can become strained as everyone grieves differently.

For some, the experience of loss brings about a spiritual or religious crisis—a wrestling match with God or a struggle to understand "why." Other people, says Fireman, "derive a sense of strength and comfort from a religious affiliation. Connecting with a community can help to cope with loss."

The "anniversary reaction"
Why does loss hurt so much more this time of year? "Holidays are supposed to be, and are portrayed through the media, as a wonderful, blissful time for people," says Fireman. "But for grieving people, it's more about weathering the storms that come during the season."

Even if your loss wasn't recent, you may still experience the "anniversary reaction," a painful association of loss with holidays or other significant dates. "These life cycle events that occur throughout the calendar year evoke powerful feelings," he explains. Memories of the past spent with a loved one can make an old loss feel fresh again.

Grieving is healthy: The process of coping
There's no secret trick to coping with loss, no checklist to complete. Everyone deals with death differently, but the most important early step, says Fireman, is to banish feelings of helplessness. "We may feel helpless and hopeless, but that doesn't mean we really are," he says.

It's also vital to know that it's OK to grieve and important to do so, Fireman explains. "That means tolerating difficult emotions and being able to express them to yourself and to others...not sweep them under the rug." The holiday season, with all its fuss and events, can tempt you to ignore your feelings and immerse yourself in the festivities. It's good to stay busy, says Fireman, but not too busy.

"We all have to have a certain level of denial operating" to cope with loss, he says, "but keeping painful memories, emotions or thoughts hidden, in the long run, only prolongs grief." The faster you process your feelings, the better you'll be able to cope with loss and move on.

Seeking help is crucial. Friends and family may offer comfort and support, but a third party, like a professional counselor or religious guide, will bring a fresh perspective to your situation and provide a good ear for your feelings and concerns. Don't beat yourself up for needing help and asking for it—doing so is healthy.

Fireman says people unaffiliated with a religion can still enjoy a sense of community and honor the memory of a loved one, "even if it means creating their own rituals and expressing feelings and thoughts" to friends. This year may be the right time to create a new holiday tradition that brings you peace and comfort.

Along those lines, it's important to take time out to pamper yourself during this hectic season. Slow down; you don't have to attend every party or hit every sale. Fireman says it's healthy to find ways to soothe yourself, which can include indulging in favorite holiday foods, listening to soothing music, exercising—whatever makes you happy.

Coping with loss is a process. "As you work through your grief, you may find that you're able to regain your balance and reengage in life in a deeper way," says Fireman. "It's not just time that heals; it's also the work of grieving and managing during difficult times, like the holidays, and making sure that whatever advice you get fits your individual needs."