Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sex

1. Understand their world. Watch the TV shows they watch, see the movies they see, check their computers and see which Web sites they've been visiting. And, get to know their friends and, if possible, their friends' parents.
2. Educate them about potential “cyber” dangers. Talk to them about the negative consequences of sharing sexualized language and/or images online or through texting—that whatever they put online or text to a friend can circulate forever and may come back to haunt them when they apply to colleges or look for jobs years later.
3. Understand your own feelings about sex. If you're not sure what to say or how you feel about your own sexuality, let alone your child's, do some reading and thinking. A good Web site to visit is www.talkingwithkids.org. The messages (both verbal and nonverbal) you received as a child may still be with you and may limit your ability to communicate as effectively as you would like. But, don’t let them prevent you from talking to your teens.
4. Pick your moment. That would not be hijacking them in their room and saying, "Come downstairs, I need to talk to you." Instead, bring up the topic while you're driving them around town, during a commercial in a television program that depicts sexual activity, even during dinner. For instance, the Grey's Anatomy episode in which half the cast gets syphilis is the perfect time to talk about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and the importance of monogomy and safe sex. Tell them a story about a sexual situation between two kids or discuss a real-life example they may know about at school. Seek their advice on the matter. It will tell you a lot about their decision-making capabilities concerning sexuality.
5. Don't preach. The best way to ensure that your daughter has sex before she's ready is to forbid her to do it. You can't control everything your teenager does nor will you know everything he or she does—nor should you want to. The key is to teach your children the values you hope they'll live by and then provide the moral structure and strength to adhere to those values.
6. Listen! You should do half as much talking as you'd like and twice as much listening. Don’t ignore their questions just because they are embarrassing or uncomfortable.

7. Hit the high notes. That would be about the importance of sex in a relationship, how sex should be more than just a physical thing, how sex extends beyond intercourse (yes, oral sex is still sex). It also means having a serious discussion about the risks of sex: pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Make sure your teen understands that not all STDs can be cured (think herpes and HIV) and could be with him or her for the rest of his or her life. Discuss how life changes when you have a baby to care for and where you would hope they would be in life before considering a child.

   Other key points to hit:

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