Talking to Tweens and Teens About Sex
It's never too soon to talk to your children about sex. Get 10 tips for starting the conversation.
Jun 18, 2011
Dec 01, 2020
Family & CaregivingDirector of Center for Love and Sex
Therapist
Coach
Clinical Supervisor
Speaker
Founder and Director of Center for Love and Sex, Sari Eckler Cooper, LCSW is a licensed individual, couples and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, sex coach, writer, trainer, supervisor and media expert. She specializes in working on issues such as sexual disorders, sexual avoidance, couples communication, affairs, separation, depression, anxiety, and alternative sexual interests.
Sari works in person at her private practice office on NYC's upper west side and via telehealth. She is also a relationship and sex coach for clients who live in other states and countries and for professionals who travel frequently who want to focus on present and future goals. Sari is licensed to see clients based in New York, Connecticut, New Jersey and as a Telehealth therapist for clients living in Florida .
Sari is recognized as a relationship and sexuality expert and has been a regular commentator on television shows like CBS This Morning, The Better Show and Dr. Oz to discuss relationship issues. Sari is continually called upon to discuss issues in modern relationships in the press including The Wall Street Journal, Huffington Post, Greatest, Vice, Bustle, Cosmo, Men's Health, Shape, Brides Magazine, Barron's, New York Post, and Marie Claire.
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So your daughter just hit double digits. She still sleeps with stuffed animals but is also pestering you for a cell phone and spends hours giggling with her friends about boys. Is she a little girl or nearly a teenager? Then there's your 14-year-old son who just started going "steady" with his first girlfriend. How much information does he need at this stage? When is it time to have "the talk"?
The answer is … it's never too soon to talk to your children about sex. In fact, it's quite likely you've been having just such a "conversation" with them for several years without you even knowing it. That's because kids learn best by observing. If they see you in a committed, healthy relationship then they learn how to engage in such a relationship themselves. Conversely, if they see you in an abusive relationship with your partner or sleeping with nearly everyone you date, they may learn to view sex as unimportant, expendable or undesirable.
The fact is that kids today are surrounded by sex and sexually oriented messages. They are inundated with information from television, movies, the Internet and their friends. By the time they hit high school, they've probably already learned where babies come from through a sex education class in school.
They are also quite likely to engage in sex. Government statistics show that 30 percent of girls ages 15 to 17 and 31 percent of boys in that age range have had sexual intercourse. The percentage doubles by the time they turn 19. The good news is that those figures are down considerably from just a few years ago.
Nonetheless, most kids still aren't getting the information they need from the source most qualified to give it: you.
Numerous studies find that parents—not friends—have the greatest influence over a teen's behavior, whether that behavior has to do with schoolwork, drinking, drugs or sex. But you can't influence your teen's behavior if they don't know where you stand on the subjects. So here's how to start:
Other key points to hit:
As you may already be painfully aware, your child is yours only for a few more years. She or he is moving into early adulthood. In the end, all you can do is hope that you've built a solid foundation. The actual construction is up to your teen. So relax, and keep the lines of communication open.