planning a pregnancy
Infertility and Your Relationship
- Focus on yourselves. Remember that the two of you came first, before any thought of a baby. Even if you do have a child, the two of you still need to be a healthy couple before you can be good parents.
- Schedule non-infertility dates. On these dates, neither of you is allowed to talk about children, infertility, medical treatments, adoption or anything to do with what you're going through.
- Bring spontaneity back into sex. Have sex dates that are not focused on reproducing. That can mean not discussing fertility before, during or after the sexual act or having sex without intercourse. Send a note inviting your partner to a pleasure-only sex date. Consider having sex in a different location or even a different environment. What about checking into a local hotel for just one night? Or go camping and let the fresh air energize you romantically. The key is to make it so spontaneous, so much fun, that you banish the "work" that sex has become.
- Take a break. You and your partner might consider taking a monthlong break from trying to get pregnant. Reducing the stress and anxiety in your sexual relationship now will ensure that your sex life will remain a source of pleasure and relaxation for years to come.
- Get physical together. Exercise is a fabulous stress buster. But why go it alone? Consider taking up tennis, dancing, bike riding or kayaking—all fun, physical activities you can do together. Consider taking a yoga class together. It will not only strengthen your body but also teach you deep breathing, which is helpful in relaxing and focusing. Of course, there's nothing wrong with long walks either. Just remember to hold hands.
- Respect your differences. Each of you will deal with the situation differently. Just because he doesn't cry or talk for hours about the infertility doesn't mean he isn't hurting. Men are more likely to distance themselves from the issue and become irritable. Understand that this may be his way of coping.
- Talk! He cannot read your mind. If you need him to be more supportive, tell him, but be specific. What do you mean by supportive? If you need time to be alone because you're angry and upset and don't want to take it out on him, tell him so he doesn't think you're shutting him out. If you have a hard time verbalizing your feelings, try writing them down in an e-mail or letter to him.
- Agree on how far you'll go. You can easily exhaust your bank account, marriage and emotional reserves through infertility treatment. It's a good idea to talk before the rollercoaster ride begins about which treatments and how many you'll undergo and how much money you'll spend. You may not know at the outset what decisions you will face, but you can talk to other couples through a support group or ask your health care provider to give you research and possible scenarios that you can consider.
- Seek outside help. Even if you think your relationship will weather the infertility storm, it's still a good idea to talk to a couples' therapist. You know the saying: "An ounce of prevention..." You also may consider joining a support group for people going through infertility treatments.
