Breast Cancer and Sexuality

I could love it because it was still alive and functioning. I could love it because it was healthy, it moved, it was still an expression of who I was, despite the fact that my breast was taken. In a way, I traded my breast for my life. I know this might sound a bit pat and clichéd—but it's true. I had to come to the realization that yes, it was sad to lose a breast, and yes, I'd miss it, but it was a necessary measure to preserve my health.

We are really all on our own. Another person cannot be by our side every hour of the day—like when we are in the shower and glance down at our scars or when we are in a locker room and feel self-conscious about undressing in front of other women; when we undress each night; or when we try on clothing that is suddenly a bit too "clingy" or "revealing" to flatter our changed physiques.

So I think the topic of sexuality has two facets: sexuality in terms of learning to accept your changed body and sexuality in terms of sharing that body with someone you love. The former, in my opinion, must be achieved first. Just like the way I think that we can't love someone until we learn to love ourselves.

I eventually came to accept the fact that breasts were not the only thing that defined my sexuality. If it sounds simplistic, believe me, it wasn't so simple, but I'm here almost 20 years later recounting my story. I can't deny that there were (and still are) times I mourned the loss of my breast; moments where I couldn't bear to look in the mirror. I was envious of the ample cleavages that seemed to surround me. The beautiful sight of a mother nursing her infant could fill me with a deep longing. Suddenly, I'd be transported back to the days when I was too flat-chested to wear a bra and felt somehow inferior.

Here, I'll guide you to some tips I came across while researching sexuality and breast cancer, from one of the best Web sites I've found on the subject, breastcancer.org. (I was truly relieved to find advice on not only how to regain a healthy sex life with your partner, but how to accept yourself.)

Here's the link: http://www.breastcancer.org/tips/intimacy/self_image.jsp

See what you think. It makes sense to me. Nothing happens overnight, so be patient with yourself and give yourself time. If you are in a loving relationship, communicate with your partner. This is vital. I've heard women say that husbands have left their wives after their diagnosis. I say if that's the case, then there were more holes in the relationship than either was willing or able to see. Someone who truly loves you will stand by you and, in all likelihood, not view your body with the close scrutiny you give it.