Ask the Experts - National Women's Health Resource Center/Healthywomen.org

Ask the Experts: I recently learned that my daughter is sexually active...
from the National Women's Health Resource Center's "Healthy Sexuality: Ask the Experts" column

Q: I recently learned that my daughter is sexually active. She and her boyfriend are both seniors in high school. I discussed my discovery with her, and she shared that I knew with her boyfriend. My question is about how to proceed. They will be going to college soon (different ones) and will continue making their own decisions. This is a good relationship. I don't feel my daughter acted impulsively or was pressured. How do we proceed without condoning what they are doing, yet recognizing it will continue? I would truly appreciate some advice.

A: Ah, you're dealing with the conundrum of parents everywhere: How to let go without completely cutting the cord. First, let me say what a good thing it is that you and your daughter were able to talk calmly about this. Many parents would have dealt with such a discovery with anger and recriminations. And let me say how healthy it is for both of you that you recognize that your daughter is growing up. By dealing with this—and similar situations—in the manner you have, you can rest assured that while she's growing up, she won't grow away from you.

There is no need for you to "condone" her becoming sexually active. However, as you clearly want your daughter to develop a healthy sexual identity, do not underestimate the power of a mother's opinion. Expressing your unhappiness about what you have already stated was a well-thought-out and unpressured (i.e., mature) decision may leave your daughter feeling guilty and "bad." It is appropriate for you to tell her how you feel about her becoming sexually active at this time in her life without judging her. Use phrases such as, "While I would prefer that you wait until you are older to be sexually active, I understand that this is your life, and you know that I support and love you no matter what you do." Then shift into mother-mode and make sure your daughter is safe.

Find out what type of birth control she's using. Given the maturity levels of teenagers and the complexities of college, suggest that she talk to her health care professional about a long-term form of birth control that she doesn't have to think about on a daily or even monthly basis, such as Depo Provera (an injection that lasts three months), Implanon (a rod implanted in the upper arm that provides protection for up to three years), or an IUD, which can provide protection for up to 10 years.

Also make sure that regardless of her contraceptive choice, your daughter and her boyfriend are also using a condom to protect against any sexually transmitted infections. Suggest (strongly) that she get vaccinated with Gardasil, a new vaccine that protects against the primary forms of a sexually transmitted virus that causes cervical cancer.

And don't forget to have a conversation about the emotional ramifications of sex. Assure her that you just want to make sure that she doesn't get hurt and make sure she's viewing this relationship in a realistic light.

Finally, it's OK to shed a few tears. Your little girl is really growing up—and that's a tough discovery for any mother.